With more than half of the Americans ending their marriage in divorce it has been brought to my attention do marriages really work? I have always been asked by many, how did you keep your husband for twenty three years? Technically my husband and I were married for nearly twenty years. I always count the three years of dating as a trial run as they say to see if we were compatible and we were of course. I can't say the marriage didn't have it's moments but we always worked through them. So after being asked several times since his death, how did you do it? I decided it was time for me to share a few secrets and opinions.
First and foremost marriage is not about sex. It plays a key role, but it is not the basis of a marriage and if you think it is, you need to walk right out the door right now and spare everybody while you have a chance. I am amazed at how many couples base their relationship on sex. If you don't believe me about how people have placed an importance on the sex part of their marriage, go to a little league game and just listen to the women chatter while little Timmy is playing ball. What they say would make a sailor blush with the constant talk of how their sex life is the only thing saving their marriage. Are you kidding? Sex definitely plays a part in the marriage, but for it to hold your marriage together? Children's school glue doesn't work if it gets wet does it? I rest my case.
Neither is money for the basis of a marriage. I don't care who has the money, the woman, the man, his parents, her parents; it's not a marriage if you can only see dollar signs. Don't get me wrong, having money to live comfortable is nice, but when the money starts drying up because of recession, is that the reason for the divorce? I know a cousin who will only date men with a certain income bracket and if they don't meet that standard she dumps them. Never mind she has been married too many times and is now alone. Not a pretty situation if you ask me.
Another culprit in the marriage failure department is; I thought I could change them. Really, are you that stupid to believe you can change dear old Jim Bob from his nightly drinking habits or his sitting on the couch in his underwear while picking his nose at the dinner table? Come on, reality check here. They were doing this long before they met you. Another thing I have found absolutely funny, you thought you could tweak him or her of just that one bad habit. Unless these people hit rock bottom of the nasty habit you want to tweak, nothing changes and besides who gave you the right to decide you had to change them.
Also, a quickie relationship without knowing full well who you are marrying is a bad idea. Whether it is a rebound relationship or just a quick couple of months from E-Harmony, nobody really wins with these kinds of relationships no matter how compatible you are and the ones that do are so rare it's not even real. There is a reason for dating.
Never, under any circumstance should you marry because everybody else is doing it. Please just because some of the world thinks everybody has to get married and procreate doesn't mean you have to. Forcing yourself to marry because that's what peer pressure told you is a real bad idea and usually ends with an affair and a divorce before it's over. Also don't marry with the expectations this person will grow on you. It doesn't work and somebody please tell Lifetime for women that.
Marriage is a balancing act. It really is. You give and take to each other. Noticed I said to each other. Accept the other for who they are and don't try to change them the moment you get married. Now I want to get one thing straight before we move forward. Marriage is about growth and yes with growth there comes changes, but the changes come on each other's terms not demands.
Remember marriage is about give and take, a mutual understanding between two people. If you can't even have this, what makes you think, sex, money, and changing one's habits is going to make it work? It's not.
Yes, I did have a great marriage and yes, we had rough spots, but we knew each other and the terms of the marriage. I think that is what held us together. Believe me we worked hard at it.
So you still ask the question Carla, how? We already know all of this. How did you do it? Well, I am going to tell you a little secret. It's not really a secret but with this world today it would be considered a secret. I have learned listening to your elders no matter how off the rocker they may seem, have something to say. We should listen to them because lets face it; they have been there and done that.
When I got married at eighteen my grandmother gave me three books. These books played a key role in my married life. What were the three books you ask? Well, the one book was a cook book, to which I still use to this day. It was very thick and has everything from A-Z including how to can my own veggies. Great book when you are first married because when you're young and not sure about the cooking world, this little book does the trick. The second book would be a helpful household guide. Yes, the thing looked to be a hundred, but I know how to remove stains, do laundry, and so forth. Removing water stains from wood is a cinch and how to fix a faucet; easy. Some of the information is now out of date, but the basics are there. The book was pretty good; it really became helpful later when I had kids. The third book, which at the time left me speechless, blushing and wondering just what was grandma thinking, was a book about sex.
Remember I said marriage is not based on sex, remember that! I bet you're confused now. I was at the time. Here, was my grandmother's, words of wisdom.
The cook book is so you can cook. One way to a man is his stomach whether he is a vegetarian or steak and potatoes man only. They have to eat. A clean house is guaranteed way to say hey, I have time to do some fun things when he gets home. If you can cook and keep a house clean he'll love it. The third is the most important. If you get bored with the same old, same old in the bedroom open that book and discover another position. That will definitely keep the marriage going.
So what does this mean? In short, you have to keep your marriage interesting not let it get boring. The leading cause of divorce is affairs and what causes affairs? People become bored at home. Yes, they love their spouse but with the same in and same out, home cooking as they say, it becomes rather boring. According to my husband he was usually excited to get home because he never knew what to expect. I wanted my marriage to work I never let it get stale. So I am giving
Books by Carla Landreth
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=carla+landreth
