Grandma and the Red Light District

My grandmother and grandfather Montague lived for many years in this tiny little home down near the rail road tracks. Her mother lived next door for many years until her death. My Uncle Karl, who served his country in Vietnam and barely made it out, had been living with my grandparents since his arrival from the VA hospital.

Through the years my uncle had saved his money until he had enough to build a home. He built this home in a new district of town where new homes were being built and zoning was a requirement. Zoning meaning no trailer houses were permitted on any of the properties. Plus other zoning things, such as lawns had to be kept up, trash cans couldn't be left out for only so long. It was one of those, kind of neighborhoods. New and had rules as long as your arm to go with its newness. Of course those rules eventually went to the waist side as they say. Anyway once the house was built, my grandmother separated from my grandfather.

I don't know what really transpired, I could tell you a theory, but I won't. Let's just say it entailed many women. Mind you, my grandparents never divorced, just separated.

I know what you are saying if they were separated why didn't they just divorce? I always said it because of my grandma's religious background and frankly people her age weren't getting divorces like they do now.

Even though they were separated, he came to the house every Sunday for dinner as well as everyday for lunch and dinner. By night fall he would be back home away from her. Like I said, for a kid it was weird.

Anyway, many Christmases were spent in the new house on Apache Drive and my grandpa without fail always was around despite him being separated from grandma.

If I can recall the year, I was barely married when this incident occurred and nearly everyday I went to see my grandma and Uncle Karl. Now since my grandma had moved in the house with my Uncle Karl, she had to have some Christmas decorations.

She had bought these two candle stick moulds that she bought at a garage sale and placed them at the end of the sidewalk and plugged them in.

These little jewels were a treat, considering she did no lawn decorating before. Every night at dusk she would put them out, unless it rained then they stayed in the house by the door. But other wise they went out every night at the end of the sidewalk. Then about eight o'clock at night she would unplug them and bring them back into the house. The reasoning was she feared someone would steal them, which in my town could have been possible.

Anyway, she did this for many years but this particular year she wanted to bump up her decorating. When my grandma said she was going to bump up her decorating for Christmas, I figured she was going to buy more decorations to add to those nasty silk balls she had that had seen better days and that the homemade ornaments that had fallen apart would retire. No such luck.

Well, my grandma was in a festive spirit that year. She splurged a little more than usual on Christmas gifts and she did buy some more ornaments for the tree. But kept the same tree topper I made her when I was in second grade, a paper angel that had glitter on it.

One day I came by and she had the house all decorated up. The mantel was decorated with gold garland and little plastic Santa Clauses. The television stand had green garland on it. She had something that had been given to her, sitting on the top of the television that vaguely resembled a miniature tree. This year, even the bathrooms got festive as Santa Claus stood perched by the hand soap.

She was playing the radio which had some Christmas music, not much but some. She was busy sitting on the sofa working on her word puzzle. Not the cross word mind you, she did the jumble puzzle. It took her the better part of the morning to work on this little puzzle. Now in her defense it wasn't that she was dumb and took her a while to work the puzzle, but she worked off and on the puzzle, while she did her morning chores.

Anyway, I told grandma she was making the house look festive for the holiday season this year and my Uncle Karl blurted out a loud laugh. She didn't know what had gotten into him lately; he had been acting this way for sometime. She really thought he may have to go back to the VA's and see if his medications were too strong.

I didn't think much of it myself. My uncle would sometimes blurt out with laughter and the only reason was because he was thinking of something funny. I figured he was having one of his moments. My grandma on the other hand, thought if my uncle sneezed wrong there was a problem.

This particular time however she commented on how when grandpa came around, he too would laugh at certain times. She said she had checked to make sure nothing embarrassing was showing, meaning her dress caught in her underwear.

I had asked her did she ask them why they laughed and she said they didn't tell her why. They say nothing. She felt they were being pesky men and left it at that.

Well, the time had come for me and Jason to take her out to see the lights, by now grandpa had forgone the lights and my uncle was never really interested in them. But grandma was.

It so happened that night was really good, no moisture to speak of, so the roads were going to be great. My grandma quickly lugged the candle sticks one by one to the edge of the sidewalk and plugged them in. She plugged in the tree lights and marveled as it for a moment. Then my grandma got her coat, scarf and her famous black purse.

As we headed out the door she quickly noted she had to turn on the porch light. That's when my uncle and grandpa burst out laughing. I was beginning to think they both needed to go to the VA hospital.

When I walked out of the door, I was suddenly splashed with a bright red light coming from the porch light. Then I knew why my grandpa and uncle couldn't help but laugh when you mentioned Christmas much less turn on the lights.

Now for you young ones, that don't know this, there is one thing you can do with red lights at Christmas. You can put them on the lawn and your house. Nothing looks nicer than a house with nothing but red lights outlining your home. Some people change out clear accents lights that are in trees and flower beds to beautiful red, blue and green bulbs with it comes to the holiday season.

However, there is one cardinal rule we all follow, never, under any circumstance, do we put red light bulbs in our porch light. There is a reason for this. If you put a red light in the porch light you have just signaled yourself to be the local red light district and for you boys and girls who still don't get it; Grandma's house just became the local whore house.

Just the little red light in the porch light signals my grandma is open for business. Now I nearly fell over when I saw the reason why my uncle and grandpa laughed at her. And when they were laughing, I became embarrassed and grandma quickly pointed out, "See, they're laughing again. I wish I knew what was so funny."

I think Jason was about to die a thousand deaths himself when he saw the red porch light. He too was laughing. We finally told grandma why Uncle Karl and grandpa were laughing.

We kindly told her that the red light in a porch light meant the house was a lady of the night house. Well, viewing the Christmas lights in town had been abandoned. Quickly my grandma turned off the light and had the red light bulb quickly removed nearly burning her fingers in the process.

Jason told her she could do it in the morning and her response, "What if some comes in the middle of the night for an emergency and I turn that on. How embarrassing that will be. If it's a stranger and that light comes on they might get the wrong idea. I can only think what the Bunting's thinking or even the Landreth's (my in laws) across the street." Needless to say that light was going to be removed immediately.

The next day however that red light was replaced with a green light, of course grandma wanted to make sure that the green light had no ties to the ill fated community as they say. So instead of asking grandpa or one of us kids, she asked the poor young and unaware stock boy at the grocery store.

"Green light doesn't mean red light does it?" she asked him.

The young stock boy unaware of the situation looks at her confused and says. "I don' know. What do you mean, Mrs. Montague?"

Holding up the package with the green bulb grandma replied, "Green isn't stating that I am for sale sexually in my neighborhood or the town to be a matter of fact?"

Upon on The House Top. . . Who the H**l Left the Door Open!

One of my favorite times of the year was Christmas and still is. I have always loved the Christmas lights it was something that could entertain me for hours. I always loved to see what people came up with for their lawns and how sometimes just a simple strand of lights across the house could speak more than you realized.

When I was about four, my father had a Chevy Chevelle convertible. It was red and had black rag top. I remember that much, but can't remember what year the Chevelle was. I just remember he would say get in the Chevelle. You have to understand my father called all the cars by their models, no cute names like most of us do now.

It was that time of year when Christmas was just around the corner and my father decided one night we should go out and look at lights.

My mother was for the ride until she found my father taking the top down on the car. It was way too cold for us to have the top down and she made that clear, but my father made it clear that's how we were going.

My mother still upset, bundled us kids up, but not while mumbling hateful things about my father in the process. She then grabbed a quilt off the bed and her purse.

My mother helped us into the back seat then placed the quilt over us. It was bitter cold, I can remember that and even with the quilt that my mother tucked around us tightly, didn't deter this bitter cold snap. My father let out a few choice words, which caught my mother's attention.

My mother was so upset, that when she took us to the car, she had forgotten to turn off the lights in the house. She didn't forget to lock it; she just forgot to turn off all the lights. My father, furious took it upon himself to get out of the car and go back into the house and turn off the lights.

I must tell you that in the old days Christmas lights were a hazard to leave on when nobody was home, that and gas heaters. They were never to be left on unless someone was home, especially Christmas lights. It wasn't unusual as a child to hear somebody's house caught fire because of these two items; who loved to start a fire when nobody was home.

They aren't designed like they are now, cool burning and if there is a snag with one, like for example; a bulb goes out the rest stay lit. Nope in the old days the lights were not cool burning and they were only to stay on long enough to enjoy before you turned them off fearing you'd catch the tree on fire and burn the house down. If a bulb went out, they all went out. The guessing game was endless.

Now my mother didn't only forget the tree lights, but the house lights as well. So my father cursing and calling her names got out of the car and went back into the house.

Meanwhile mama still angry at him was making sure me and my kid brother, Jason was bundled up. I remember mama threatening to kick our father's butt while stating the fact, us kids were going to be sick from a death of pneumonia.

Upon my father's quick return, he had to once again, made a scene about the lights being left on. He finally calmed down long enough to start the car and begin our little excursion.

De Leon, Texas is a small town and they use to celebrate Christmas every year. Meaning most of the folks around town had lights up of some sort and if there weren't lights on the house they had their tree in the front window for the world to see. The town itself was decorated with metal Christmas trees that had been wrapped in garland and big lights that hung onto the street lamps that lined the town. Some didn't work but I guess that is why they had the garland on them to make them pretty for the holiday season.

The store fronts of DeLeon, Texas were something to see. It became a competition among the store owners to decorate their store from top to bottom with Christmas cheer. I'm sure if you didn't do some sort of decorating it would reflect your Christmas sales.

However, this was the 70's and the spirit had reached its peak as my father drove us through town. Jason and I were so excited looking at lights, but also freezing to death in the process.

My mother still upset over the fact we were driving with the top down, also bundled up freezing cold; didn't find the spirit as my father did. Who could blame her for being upset? Taking two small children out in the cold in a convertible with the top down and only coats and a quilt, possibly the only thing preventing us from taking a trip to the hospital with pneumonia, my mother was mad. I knew in the next few days, beginning with that night, Vicks salve was going to be rubbed all over our chest. That menthol smell would linger on us for days thanks to my father.

My father drove us through town at least four times. It was too much to see in one drag through town, as they say, because of all the store fronts decorated up.

Smith's Department Store was not only lit up, but his mannequins were in the latest fashion and in the Christmas spirit as well. Stores like Higginbotham's, who owned nearly a city block, had several displays, while stores such as Ronald Variety, Dabney Hardware and Montgomery Ward graced us with all sorts of Christmas spirit with their window displays.

Homes in town were just as elaborate with the Christmas cheer. Humsinger's fuchsia home was lit with matching lights, while Dr. Eisenrich’s home was lit up with traditional clear lights and wreaths and bows. Al Stranser may have had a home that looked like Tara from Gone with the Wind, but at Christmas was covered tastefully in red lights and big wreaths. Houses on Reynosa Street, one of the most popular neighborhoods at the time in De Leon, were all a glow as they say. Some had Nativity scenes, while others had Santa's. Some had them just a big tree in their big windows. This was a sight for a child to see.

During this little excursion that took two hours my father thought a soda from Dairy Treat would be a good idea. Now, yes, we had Dairy Queen and we also had a Dairy Treat. My father preferred Dairy Treat. My mother was fuming by now and wasn't enjoying the lights. Well, she wasn't in the first place but by now she was really upset.

I have to say by this time Jason and I were just about frozen like Popsicles under the quilt in layers of clothes and coats. Plus we were getting extremely tired from all of the excitement. It would have been nice though if my parents hadn't needled each other every chance they got.

Finally, after miles of lights, dozens of store fronts, hundred of Christmas trees and Vegas like homes, my father said it was time to go home. Something my mother was more than over-joyed about and frankly us kids couldn't wait to get home to warm up. We weren't looking forward to the Vick's salve, but a nice warm house was sure a welcome.

Upon arrival of our small home, our father parked the car under the little Hermosa tree. Something bad was about to occur.

My father quickly noted that he could have sworn he turned off the lights in the house. I wish I could say that it was a pleasant way he said it, like for example, "Hey kids, I wonder if Santa came by when we weren't home." Instead it was, "What the h**L. Those lights aren't supposed to be on damn it!"

My father said other things as my mother got us kids out of the car. At this point I have to say, I now know the theory behind the lights being on, but at the time I just feared for Santa's life.

As we approached the door my father squawked out more profane words. I must explain at this point why the commotion went a few degrees higher with my father. You see the door never really shut well unless you slammed it good. Apparently, Santa forgot that too.

Now I can only paraphrase what my father said and I cut out the more colorful words that were used. My father said yelling by now, "GD, what the h**L, if I see that SOB, I'm going to kick his ever loving fat a**." I told you he cursed a lot.

To add insult to injury to my father, my mother says calmly, almost mocking him, still mad we went looking at lights with the top down said, "Well, were we robbed?"

My father snapped like a twig and said, "How the h**l would I know. I haven't gone in yet, woman!"

My father went into the house and made another loud squawking sound, which caused my mother to think we had been robbed. Then my father, once again paraphrasing, "That little f****r, turned on the heater and left it on! That SOB!"

By now my mother has rushed in with us kids relieved we hadn't been robbed. However, somebody had been there. That big man in the red suit had came to our house. Santa, had came while we were out.

The tree was lit and underneath it was full of all sorts of presents. Jason and I knew we had been a good girl and boy to receive such. Of course we ended up opening up presents that night not our usual Christmas morning, another mistake Santa made.

Years later I would learn what exactly happened from my grandma. This is what happened.

Well, poor Santa (grandpa) came into a dark house he unlocked the door turned, on the lights to find the tree, unfortunately poor Santa needed to go to the little boy's room. So he turned on lights as he traveled through the house, forgetting to turn them off as he returned. He went to the kitchen for a glass of water and forgot the kitchen lights not because he found cookies sitting on the table, even though he did find those and ate them. He forgot the lights because he realized the table and chair set had to be put together. He wanted to make sure everything looked good under the tree so he turned on the lights to the tree to make sure it was okay and once again forgot to turn them off. But all the while the house was cold his arthritis was acting up so he turned on the heater. As for the door, well the dang thing hadn't been shutting right, but poor Santa (grandpa) was unaware of this. So he shut the door not thinking twice of what he had done. He got into his green Mercury, where his elf (grandma) not thinking too and said to her, "Now when Roy and Deborah get the kids in, they won't turn on the lights in the living room but in the kids room. The kids will probably be knocked out anyway. So they will never see the tree until the next morning."

We were lucky we weren't robbed.


Books by Carla Landreth
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